I took my makeup off in silence

on being alone

Today I took myself out on a solo date. The works, got myself glammed up, went to a nice restaurant, walked around the mall, even bought a cute little keychain. It felt great to take myself out for the day, but then I got home. I was reminded of how incredibly alone I am. I walked in on an empty house, took my makeup off in complete silence. I thought of a funny joke but didn’t have anyone to tell it to. I wake up to silence, I go to sleep with only the sounds of the fan. I put on music and have no-one to dance with. I am so incredibly alone. I put shows on the television so I can feel like there’s people in my house, so that I might not feel like the only person alive. Last week we had to give the family dog away and I cried like a baby. Not only because I would miss her but because I was letting go of the only friend I have. I cried because I knew that when I woke up the following day it would just be me and the ants crawling along the sink. I cried because I had lost the last companion I had to dance with, to talk to, to laugh with. I knew it would mean I’d fall asleep cuddling my pillow, it meant that when I woke up it wouldn’t be because she’d be at the side of my bed licking my hands, wagging her tail at me, excited to start the day with me. It would mean waking up to nobody. It sounds pitiful but everyday feels like I wake up and I don’t even exist because who would notice? I’ve got no friends here, family enjoys your presence the first week or so of your arrival and then you kind of just fade into the background. So, everyone has their own life to live and I don’t blame them but my life is standing still, mundane to the point I look forward to sweeping the floors or folding laundry. Silent to the point my phone buzzes more due to Pinterest notifications than messages. I miss my dog. I miss my life. I miss coming home to noise, I miss waking up to breakfast with friends or family. I miss a life that no longer exists, that I know I can’t ever get back. I keep hoping that once I start studying again things will be better and I won’t feel so alone but I think deep down I know that won’t be the case. I don’t want new friends, I want my old ones. I want to live in the same apartment I slept in in 2023. I want to make plans with the same people I was drinking with in 2018. It’s like my life is barreling down the tracks and the only thing I can do is take a seat at the station and watch it zoom by. Doomed to watch it leave and only getting peeks of it through the tiny windows. It’s surreal to watch the people around you make connections and memories while the most exciting news you have to offer is a new recipe, or the same chewed up memories you always share. It’s pathetic to only be able to connect with people by bringing up times you shared together because you can’t relate to what everyone is doing now. It sucks to collage friends lives through snippets and stills of comments you heart through everyone else. Like there isn’t anything you can point to anymore and say this is ours, we shared this. Instead you hear stories about the same places and the same things you would do and say but this time someone else is doing it. And slowly you fade into their background, suddenly you’re a friend they knew, they had, a friend that left. What people don’t tell you about distance is that relationships become instagram stories and status updates. I’m so desperate to make some type of connection, any connection, I tried to strike conversation up with my waitress. I’m not just alone, I’m lonely. I want to watch movies with someone else, I want to grocery shop and fight with our carts, I want to lay in the park and say nothing. I want to be surrounded by noise, no matter how loud, I want it to be so ear shattering it swallows the silence resting in my soul. You can’t blame people for living their life, so you blame yourself for abandoning yours.