So I just got done watching the movie ‘Imagine Me & You’ and it was a lovely sapphic movie, not the best but it was a welcomed addition. I went on reddit to see what people thought of the movie, naturally because nobody gossips like reddit users. So, I click on the first link and I read this review made by a woman. She was saying how she’d heard of the movie but it was her wife that had made her watch it, and when I read the word wife I started crying. I know I can be dramatic but truly why was I crying over this one comment?
Lately I feel like I’ve been watching sapphic couples on the internet love each other so shamelessly and it always resonates with me on such a deep level, purely because of the fact that they are two lesbians in love. Which begs the question, why have I been crying so much over this? Why do I feel so deeply about these displays of love and affection between two women? l mean, can I chill for a sec?
I came to the conclusion that what’s making me cry is that there are women out there in the world that are in happy, healthy, beautiful relationships. Women out there that have wives, that have built a whole life together, and for so long I never saw that happening for me.
Don’t get it twisted, this isn’t about being in a relationship, I’m not some sad singleton that can’t be on her own, this is about something much bigger than that, something more important.
For so long, even when I identified as Bisexual, I worried that all that waited for me in this life was marriage with a man. That sure I could love women but at the end of the day I couldn’t escape what everyone around me had forethought. A future that was thrusted onto me the moment I was born and that despite my attempts I was doomed to fulfill. And that filled me with dread. I hated it, I thought that this life would suck, I saw that future for myself and it scared me. I thought that for people to accept me I’d have to cave and build a life with a man, even if that was far from what I wanted.
But now, having explored my sexuality as a lesbian, and thinking that one day all those healthy, beautiful, sapphic relationships could happen to me. It is everything. Knowing that I can and want to marry a woman. Love her wholly and publicly, it makes me feel complete. For so long I thought love was a transaction, because I couldn’t fathom loving a man without any strings attached. That isn’t any one persons fault, it just so happens that I was closeted for so long I didn’t realize love didn’t hinge on heterosexuality.
Now I see that the beauty of love lies in loving someone unapologetically. I get to love women for everything that they are, all the good, and the bad, the mistakes, and the triumphs I get to love all of it. It always costs me to describe this epiphany of mine, that it wasn’t love that had failed me, it was that I was trying to love in a way that I wasn’t meant to.
I feel much calmer nowadays because I’ve finally gotten to a place where I’m not just comfortable with my sexuality, I’m proud of it, I’m loud about it. I don’t want to be anyone else. I feel lucky to be who I am, despite all the trials and tribulations, this is always what love was meant to be.